The Modern Major-General
by W.S. Gilbert (1836-1911)
I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral,
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral;
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical.
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.
I know our mythic history—KING ARTHUR’S and SIR CARADOC’S,
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of HELIOGABALUS,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous.
I can tell undoubted RAPHAELS from GERARD DOWS and ZOFFANIES,
I know the croaking chorus from the “Frogs” of ARISTOPHANES,
Then I can hum a fugue, of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense “Pinafore.”
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you every detail of CARACTCUS’S uniform.
In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.
In fact when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin,”
When I can tell at sight a Chassepôt rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat,
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery,
In short when I’ve a smattering of elementary strategy,
You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee—
For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century,
But still in learning vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral!
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